Last Monday, I finally got up the courage to seek professional help. I shook out of nervousness[or it could have been the rain] I stutterred my words, and my heart raced. This was becoming too real.
I had problems that needed to be addressed and we all agreed, it was time to fix this. I took the advice to see my Primary car doctor, he would give me the help or at least point me in the direction of some.
Its hard enough admitting that having a baby, the most amazing thing in my life, has pushed me into a depression that I cant get myself out of...but this doctor, made it so much worse.
He made me feel like a fool. Like PPD isnt a serious thing.
This is how it went
I went in for multiple things, my knee, asthma and anxiety[ppd]
We went over the easy issues, got my precription filled.. figure out I may have traumatic arthritis in my knee[super great]
Then my heart started racing and my hands started shaking. I brought up all my symptoms with anxiety and the post partum depression. How I had been feeling like that since my son was born but I figure I was just a new mother adjusting. How it didnt seem like a problem until it was brought to my attention. Hundreds of women go months and months without knowing.
So what did the doctor have to say?
"Oh we dont deal with this after 9months, its too late. That its something you will have to deal with on your own and fix on your own" then he babbled about making annual appts for checkups and stuff.
My heart sank, I had no words. I felt the tears forming but I put on a smile and breathed deeply, thanked him, took my prescription and got out of there as fast as I could. once Jake, Adrien walked out of the lobby into the hall I broke down. It took ALOT to be able to seek help and admit that i need help. No one ever wants to feel broken. No one ever wants to feel like they arent being the best mom they could be.
And definitely no one should ever feel like they hate themself.
I felt my makeup running and I felt like I couldnt breathe. I had to pull it together, we had errands to run and again..I was putting this behind me. I was back to square one.
Jake tried to comfort me, but i was feeling like a fool now. I couldnt help myself and now not even a doctor wanted to help. I rushed to the bathroom to change out of my workout pants[so he could take a look at my knee] into some jeans and regular clothes. I fix my makeup and sniffled, then we left the building.
I broke down again at the car, and for the rest of the day i tried my best to hold back all the tears. Thinking about it pulled at my heart and reminded me of feeling alone in this.
So here I am, feeling the same, looking the same, acting the same. I need to find a doctor who will help me becuase I know SOMEONE is going to help me. But I feel a bit traumatized by this doctor. Free insurance...i guess i shouldnt have expected so much. I was too much work.
Last Monday, I was a little hopeful that it was the start on the road to feeling better. But now I have been pushed 3 large steps back and all I can do is try to find a new doctor, and try to find the courage to try for help... one more time.