Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oh doctor doctor

Last Monday, I finally got up the courage to seek professional help. I shook out of nervousness[or it could have been the rain] I stutterred my words, and my heart raced. This was becoming too real.
I had problems that needed to be addressed and we all agreed, it was time to fix this. I took the advice to see my Primary car doctor, he would give me the help or at least point me in the direction of some.

Its hard enough admitting that having a baby, the most amazing thing in my life, has pushed me into a depression that I cant get myself out of...but this doctor, made it so much worse.
He made me feel like a fool. Like PPD isnt a serious thing.
This is how it went
I went in for multiple things, my knee, asthma and anxiety[ppd]
We went over the easy issues, got my precription filled.. figure out I may have traumatic arthritis in my knee[super great]
Then my heart started racing and my hands started shaking. I brought up all my symptoms with anxiety and the post partum depression. How I had been feeling like that since my son was born but I figure I was just a new mother adjusting. How it didnt seem like a problem until it was brought to my attention. Hundreds of women go months and months without knowing.
So what did the doctor have to say?
"Oh we dont deal with this after 9months, its too late. That its something you will have to deal with on your own and fix on your own" then he babbled about making annual appts for checkups and stuff.

My heart sank, I had no words. I felt the tears forming but I put on a smile and breathed deeply, thanked him, took my prescription and got out of there as fast as I could. once Jake, Adrien walked out of the lobby into the hall I broke down. It took ALOT to be able to seek help and admit that i need help. No one ever wants to feel broken. No one ever wants to feel like they arent being the best mom they could be.
And definitely no one should ever feel like they hate themself.

I felt my makeup running and I felt like I couldnt breathe. I had to pull it together, we had errands to run and again..I was putting this behind me. I was back to square one.
Jake tried to comfort me, but i was feeling like a fool now. I couldnt help myself and now not even a doctor wanted to help. I rushed to the bathroom to change out of my workout pants[so he could take a look at my knee] into some jeans and regular clothes. I fix my makeup and sniffled, then we left the building.
I broke down again at the car, and for the rest of the day i tried my best to hold back all the tears. Thinking about it pulled at my heart and reminded me of feeling alone in this.
So here I am, feeling the same, looking the same, acting the same. I need to find a doctor who will help me becuase I know SOMEONE is going to help me. But I feel a bit traumatized by this doctor. Free insurance...i guess i shouldnt have expected so much. I was too much work.
Last Monday, I was a little hopeful that it was the start on the road to feeling better. But now I have been pushed 3 large steps back and all I can do is try to find a new doctor, and try to find the courage to try for help... one more time.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It didnt fix me

But at least it was fun

Friday we awoke at 4am, loaded up the babe and the jumper and my toothbrush and hit the road. By 545 the sun was still down and we hit Mojave. about an hour or so later we made it to Lone pine and we got some grub and fed Adrien and continued on the road. Stopped in Bishop for some gas, changed Adriens diaper let him pretend to drive in the gas station parking lot, then got back on the road. We made it to Bridgeport around 1030 and the feeling was like no other. The fresh air, familiar shops and pine needles. The Sounds played on the ipod and we drove down Twin Lakes rd to the campgrounds. The windy road through all the ranches and cows felt like home. This was a good day.

We arrived at camp, first out of everyone[besides my parents..they arrived wednesday] The dogs greeted up and Adrien squinted his eyes searching around camp...confused since he just awoke from his nap in a totally different place. A couple hours later Jakes mom and sisters arrived. It was a party

The next morning we awoke and it was FREEZING. But we loved it. My dad made everyone breakfast. Aja, Erik, Kevin, Tia Angel, Tio Victor, Sam, Julia and Vinny had arrived sometime around 5am so the party grew some.
We had breakfast, and chilled in the crisp cool morning air until everyone got changed an comfortable.

 then went on a hike to Twin Lakes
After the hike we went to the Twin Lakes general store to get some icecream. Adrien had  a taste of a popsicle and went NUTS and would yell for more. He only got one taste that day. Then Erik came back with the tahoe and we drove back to camp since Jakes mom and sister had to leave. They packed up and got ready then hit the road.
Later that night Adrien got super fussy so Jake took him to the tent to change him..he laid him on the airmatress and when he turned around he was asleep
eventually he woke up, it was cold that night

The next morning we got up, we had super dad gourmet breakfast again and hung out around camp

Then we decided to take a trip to Bodie

The next day, Me Jake, Aja, Kevin and Erik went on a short adventure to the hotsprings while my parents relaxed at camp with Adrien

Then Adrien got a good ol outdoor bath

Then the next day we went to Reno to get Connie and to stock up on some camping supplies...I dont really have many of the reno pictures. They were mostly taken on my moms camera.

After reno we went to Virginia City

Then we went home, and went to sleep.
The next day we tried to get an early start. We drove to town and then went shooting, aftwards we to a drive to summerwood meadows to do some 4wheelin. Then e drove UP a mountain, to cavanaugh ridge
Then we made it alive!
Then we found some snow and Adrien trieed to eat it

Then our last day  show up, we went to virginia lakes to go on a little hike, then did a little driving an went back to camp to pack up

These are the only pictures I have. there are more on my moms computer but Adrien doesnt give me enough time to get over there an add them to this blog [you cant tell but I have been typing this one entry and adding pictures and then saving over and over since the monday after we got home..nearly two weeks]

It really was an awesome trip but I came back home to all my problems and worries and i feel worse than ever.
Now all I can think about is going back to Birdgeport, but we have a whole year to wait out.