Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
No one really.

Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat
I dont like to eat. but if i must, i really enjoy this

I could live off thier chicken soup.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Right Right

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Green shirt, White shirt.. Sometimes you just let go.

I'll try to hold tighter next time.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased
Yeah, the only 10dollars I have had to myself in MONTHS, and I bought food. So much for starving myself.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
No one really. The only person that actually comes to mind is my ex boyfriend. We dated off and on from when I was 13 till I was 18. He always managed to lead me on, then leave me hanging. Usually for drugs. And we fought. Mosatly with our words, once with our hands. I washed my hands clean of him feb 2009. never looked back.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Faithfully. I have been singing it all day long to Adrien.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I reckon its again my turn.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for
Words cannot express how truly lucky I am.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding
My dream wedding was SUPPOSED to be November 19th. 2 days after my 21st birthday, in Vegas. During the fall.
Given the circumstances...that is no longer going to happen, and since the holidays follow immediatly after..it probable wont happen until Jan or even after that =/

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

This is so uncool!

Moving last October was very hard, for a number of reasons.
1. I was pregnant, with my first child.
2. I was being forced to move out of the house I have lived in for 17years
3. I was having serious knee problems and pelvic problems that made it difficult for me to be mobile..let alone move my entire house.
4. My hormones were at an all time high and in a situation were I would normally sigh and walk with my head down, I was instead bawling my eyeballs out every 10 minutes, which made me grumpy, which made me bitchy, which made me sleepy, which made me cry even more.

FINALLY, this house started to feel like home. My son was crawling around the living room and yelling at the dogs. My dad talking about how lucky we were to find this house so quickly, with enough room for all of us, and a big yard for the dogs. We all felt...comfortable. We didnt even mind living across from a highschool.

Then last Sunday rolled around. We took Adrien swimming for the first time, ate in n out, it was a pretty normal Sunday for us. Until that evening, our landlord called with the news. He was having twins, so now he needs to sell our house. Unless we want to buy it, we have to move by October. Not that big of a deal...except..
September 15th we are supposed to be going camping in  Bridgport for 10 days. I have been waiting for this trip for two years. We couldnt go last year becuase I was pregnant. Couldnt go the begining of the season becuase Adrien was too young and no one could get work off. I would give my kidney to get a chance to take this trip, thats how much it means to me. Bridgeport is my favorite place in the world. FAVORITE.
Everyone got the time off, it was going to be perfect. But now we most likely wont even be able to go. I am Absolutely crushed. Moving wouldnt have been so bad, but now cancelling my trip. Cancelling my first attempt to start a family tradition of my own with my OWN family.

this sucks,... you suck Mr. Keilborn.

so now we need to find a cheap house, again, and move within the next 30days..again.
My parents are also tossing around the idea of Colorado again..so who knows..I may not even be in California by October. sigh
Im gonna go take a nap with Adrien.

I have been a little distracted

Busy with certain events, I havent been able to update. So here I am.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
I never want to expirience ppd ever again. I know I am still going through it and still have yet to seek the help I need. No one should ever have to feel like this, especially after taking your first big steps in motherhood. The happiness my son and Jake bring me should be enough but this stupid ppd..has just gotten in the way. I know one day I'll have more children...I hope this wont be an issue anymore

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

We couldn’t fake it so why even try?

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

The only thing I ever hope to do, is be the best mother and wife I could possibly be. Thats all i ever need to be. Thats what makes me happy.

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
I was 18 here. I ws skinnier, had better hair. And awesome sunglasses

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The weekend was busy with a family trip to the Aquarium and a trip to Milestone for Jake to practice.
so here is day four

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for
I have to forgive you for giving up on our frendship. Alienating me. And making me seem like a fool. Though I may have played a part in some of the wrong doings, you were as equally in the wrong as I was. But I am on the path to moving on and moving forward. I will still hold on to this forever hoping it can be fixed. But I know it never will be. I am tired of hurting but I went through the most important things in my life..without you by my side. It wasnt supposed to be like this. I tried to fix it but you had no desire.Its at a pont now were we can never go back, becuase it will never be the same. I can be angry at you but its wasting my energy. So I forgive and forget. Toodles

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend
My only bestfriends now.
My son, and soon to be husband.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I have forgive myself for that thing. That happened a couple years ago. I really dont want to mention it. Only a few people know about it. I know sometimes Jake talks about it. But I dont..not anymore. I think its time to let it go and forgive myself. Becuase I know I made the right decision. For us.

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date

Its cheesy..but since I am going to be a married woman soon, I would have to say the first date I had with Jake was pretty damn great. He picked me up and we got him a hotel to stay at. then we drove around for two hours all over torrance redondo hawthorne looking for dinner and we ended up getting a dominos pizza at a place a block away from where he was staying. Then we went back to his room, ate the pizza, watch man vs wild. and went to sleep together. It was pretty presh.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Sometimes I want to cry I miss you so much.
I know the friendship is gone and can never be fixed. The pictures hurt to look at.

But we did have some goodtimes eh?
Yeah..we had some goodtimes.

You should have seen, the curse that flew right by you

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I love that I can still make a joke. Even after all the bullshit that happened, losing friends, being alienated, PPD, having a child, being overwhlemed and constantly tired. I still have my kick. My wit is on top game and I can still fire back quick. I love being able to be embarrasing to my mom or Jake or anyone else in public but not FEEL embarrased. I also love that I can still remember a million useless facts. My mom is amazed at how many useless things I know. I give credit to being friendless and spending ours on the internet reasearching CRAP.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today

I haven't eaten today. But I did have some egyptian chamomille tea

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day one.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself

Mostly, I just hate my body. I was never the skinniest person[thats a lie, I was genetically just severely underweight as a child. I was always at least two sizes smaller than average] Highschool I was just average, not fat nor skinny. I gained some, then lost some. My 18th year was when I was most comfortable. I was fit and cute. Since having Adrien and some stress prior to being pregnant, I guess you could say I let myself go. I dont go out, Invite people over, or even get dressed half the time becuase the hate I feel for my body and looks seems to hang over my daily activites like a black cloud. I have been working on getting back into shape but progress is slow and Adrien's schedule is very demanding. Jake works all day everyday so I never get a break really to workout and boost my selfesteem. He doesnt know that I hate how I look and I dont intend on telling him. But it wears me down and I am not going to lie, tears do get shed.

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was
I hope this didnt mean a photo from today..
My day has been well, I got up and showered.[hesitantly] Got dressed and waited for Jake to get ready so we could run to Target for some baby formula. Nicole came over and we chatted and hungout while I waited for Erik to get back home. Then he hungout with Nicole and Jake and i went to Target. Came home and Nicole was gone, had lunch with Jake, watch Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out.
Jake left for work, I fed Adrien some applesauce for lunch. And here I am,
I guarentee the rest of the day I will be cleaning, working out for 45min, playing with Adrien, Wtching Dexter reruns. Thats my everyday schedule.

My 30 day challenge

It took me a little while to figure out which I was going to tackle. Right now 30days of truth is appealing to me, but so is a list of random things. Which will I do?...Both..of course.
30 days of truth
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Another random 30day challenge
Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of our favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

I will be starting immediatly. I would have started September 1st since, 30 day challenge...30 days in september..seemed like a good schedule to follow. But I leave for 10 days on the 17th of septemeber and they dont have internet in the mountains..

I have to pee first, change Adriens poopy diaper, and put on some pants before I start my challenge...gimme about 20 minutes.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

You know how you read statistics, they show you a percentage of people something will happen too. 5% of women will give birth on thier duedate, 3% chance you'll get run over by a trailer. When you see certain percentages and you see the small numbers, it sort of gives you a sense of relief "whew, one less thing I need to worry about"

That doesnt happen to me, becuase I usually fall into those small numbers. 20% of women will expirience severe pelvic pain many months pp. check.
something% of people will expieirence permanent severe scar tissue and pain after knee surgery. check.

One more thing to add to the fucking list, i wont even mention here..but it sucks
They couldnt do it right and now I am pretty much broken and falling apart. I need to go to the doctors to get fixed. One more thing on top of everything else and I just cant handle this.

I have the worst luck ever. And I am fucking tired of it.
I cant go out and make friends becuase I am home bymyself all day long with adrien. and even if I do get the chance I cant bare it to get ready becuase I hate getting dressesed and looking in the mirror. What happened to me. I used to be cute, and little. Cant lose the weight becuase working out doesnt work with an infant, and eating healthy does shit for me. I have working so hard and nothing helps. So I give up. Ill just never leave the house again.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Red velvet cake frozen yogurt

I would kill for some right now.

Today I went shoppping for little dude. I got him some new shirts, shorts, sleepers and pacifiers. WOO. I even got some new bras. I love going shopping with Adrien, he is the easiest baby ever to take out. He never cries, He just sits in his stroller and plays, smiles at everyone, eats and sleeps. Sometimes I feel like he thinks he is just too cool for crying, I can honestly say in his 7months of living I cannot recall a time where he cried for a long period of time..ever.

I really got lucky with him, he spoils us. He sleeps through the night since he was 2 weeks old, he smiles CONSTANTLY, always laughing, loves everyone, is content playing on his own. He never gives me a hard time. Gosh I love him.

I know this means my next child will be the devil. haha

Jake and I are getting married in 3 months, 1week and 5days. The planning is slow so we better get on this QUICK. I am hoping I can convince SOMEONE to let me have my ideal wedding at the Aquarium of the Pacific...haha. But I guess vegas will have to do. It will be fun.

Now I just need to lose like 40lbs and find the perfect dress


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

2 years

Today marks two years for me and Jake. I couldn't be happier. I have never had someone so consistant and just...good ever. When he gets home we are going to put Adrien down for bed in my moms room and take a night to ourselves. This is honestly only the 4th time we have ever left Adrien with my mom to go out on a date. In 7months.

I hope he buys me a java chip frap.

I have been dying for one.

Adrien is starting to crawl. Though its cute, its totally freaking me out. We have wood floors and he rools like crazy it just seems painful.

Time to invest in some babygatezz

Im hungry