Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I spent an hour staring in the full lenght mirror
How can you love this
How is it even possible to look at yourself and feel so much hate

Jakes mom and sister visted this weekend. It was really nice.

they make me jealous. Im sorry.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Nothing ever gets better

The wedding was fun, but it was sad. I know things are going to get even harder now

I need help but i refuse to admit what this problem really is.

Friday, June 18, 2010

I can't do it

My need to lose weight is seriously stressing me out
But at least i finally figured out why i havent been so tired and severely unmotivated the past couple of days. I was comming down with something, i have had a 101 fever all night -_-
just my luck too, the night before Toni's wedding. If this sickness ruins my fun, i am going to be sooo upset
I have been looking forward to dancing and just having FUN. especially since Jake will FINALLY have work off to come to a family function. Thank goodness...attending all these family parties on my own with a 5month old gets so stressful.

In even worse news, my tio has a tumor in his brain. And they found out it IS cancer and it is malignant :[
Such awful timing..his daughter is getting married tomorrow. :[


Friday, June 11, 2010

All the framed, different poses of places I'll soon forget.

I fucking need some friends.

I am so bored and depressed. It's killing me.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

Sunday was a good day. Jake and I took Adrien on a little day trip and we went to Venice. I was fun, we saw lots of weird people and funny strand act. Lots of cool stands with cute and cool little kniickknacks. It was Jakes first time going, but I had been there plenty of times. Its always nice to just walk around and see all the wierdness that goes on there

It was pretty crowded but not that bad. At least it wasnt hot! It wasnt cold but it wasnt warm.

I took a cute picture of Adrien and Jake watching these guys break dancing but i can't find my camera. I am pretty sure it is in Jakes car.

I really wish we could have gone to Jakes moms house this weekend though instead. I love going on those little vacations up north, away from the south bay. And im really anxious for Jakes family to see Adrien. They havent seen Adrien since he was 9 weeks old in Feburary.

I'm going to drag my mom on a little trp to BRU right now to look at blankets. Adrien needs a light summer blanket since he kkeeps sweating so bad but refuses to sleep without a blanket on his face -_-

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Ill never talk again, Oh boy you've left me speechless.

Today was a pretty pleasent day. I went to my Tias with Adrien and my mom and watched all the kids swim. Aja and her new boyfriend came too which was nice. He seems like a cool dude. And i even got to wear my new shoes i got a week ago.

I am really hungry right now..but i dont think ill be eating

Friday, June 4, 2010

Everyone learns faster on fire

Weekends sort of suck. I would looooove for a friend to call and invite me out or at least come over.

My mom gave me a talk earlier. She told me that she is very proud of me and impressed at how much I handle on my own. She told me when she and my father had my older brother, they always had help. My grandmother lived with them so they always had an extra pair of hands. Me and Jake have only asked my mom to babysit a handful of times in the 5months Adrien has been here. She says although its nice to see us take responsibility completely and not handing him off constantly like some young people, we should still take some time for ourselves everynow and then.

I have been contemplating having a girls night. Leaving Adrien with my mom for a night on the weekends and just go out with my friends and enjoy myself since Jake works until midnight on the weekends anyways

But then i remember i dont have friends who will call me up. Not to mention i hate getting ready becuase i just feel awful about myself and my stupid weight.

There is no winning. I really need to do somethng for myself soon and cheer up. Like new clothes or a tattoo or something

Jake is the only income..so spoiling myself even just a little is out of the picture.

I atleast wish i had friends to just chat with. everyone is so busy.

Im going to go watch Adrien go nuts in his jumperoo. The little sucker is protesting bedtime again -_-

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

And the softest part of your flesh helps my body ingest sleep in the dead of the summer.

I am completely confident that I will never find THAT sort of friendship ever again.

The best friend i ever had in my entire life, stopped talking to me. Then when she was ready to move on past this, she expects me to forget about the troubles and act like it never happened.

But it did, and I will never be 100% certain what i did to make her so angry. If i dont even know that i have to question if she ever knew what the big deal was.

We are already a year beyond this, and every now and then we make a swift joke or comment at each other on Facebook, share a quick laugh via internet, and then go back to our lives without each other

And it kills me everyday. She was supposed to be there for me always. She was supposed to play a HUGE part in my sons life.

Instead she was hours late to my babyshower, and never called me back for a lunch date

All i have left are hundreds of our ridiculous pictures and the memories that hurt to think about

I never thought i would be this hurt from my own friends. The girls i trusted more than anything . Its not all thier fault, i could have been wrong SOMEWHERE, but no one talked to me. No one told me. Ill feel guilty forever.

But it doesnt mean im not allowed to be angry too.

This is worse than heartbreak from a loved one. Heartbreak over your friends is a kind of hurt i never wished to expirience. But i have and all i can do now is move on.

Or at least try to